From AHHHHHHHHHHH To Awwwwe: A Look at Why We Find Vampires Soooooo Hunky

Lucky bitch

So sorry I haven’t blogged in forever there are two reasons for this: 1. the topics just weren’t coming to mind. 2. I just didn’t wanna. Anyway, enough with the damn excuses that’s not why ya’ll are here.

If you have been reading this blog for some time now or know me personally one thing becomes abundantly clear. No, I’m not talking about the fact that I’m smart, hilariously witty, talented or humble. I’m talking about the fact that I have a slight obsession with vampires.

Fangs are HOT:D

Oh who am I trying to kid, I LOVE those blood sucking blokes. They are quite simply the most fantastically complex fictional creatures invented by the human imagination. If not for their existence in pop culture I wouldn’t have discovered my love or talent for putting my thoughts to paper. Thanks Bram Stocker for getting the ball rolling.

So why do people, women in particular, find vampires so appealing? This has, on the surface, a very simple answer, THEY ARE HOT HOT HOTTIES WHO OOZE HOTTNESS! Sorry, had to get that out of the way. Now, let us delve into what makes them thus. Keep in mind these are my opinions, feel free to refute any of my theory.

FREE LOVE BABY!

FREEDOM!

Ok, let’s get the whole sex part dealt with first. Why? Because it’s a major part of my theory and so my poor father can relax after this section is over.

Humans by nature are sexual creatures. All of us at SOME point will become aware of this fact. It’s a good thing too, if we weren’t our species would be all dead and stuff and that would SUCK. That being said, that’s not why we do it (ha-ha). Let’s be honest people, the reason we have sex is because it’s fun. Sometimes it’s because we love someone and want to connect with them on another level but not always and even then, as my 7^th grade health teacher once said “If sex was like doin the dishes, no one would do it.” He was a very wise man.

Ok, so we’ve established everybody likes it on one level or another. Why then is it such a taboo thing? It’s all over TV, movies, music art; the list goes on and on. If we try to talk about sex however we’re being “bad” or “naughty”. This notion is fed to us as kids and for some people never goes away. Fortunately for me, my stepmother has always been extremely cool and open about sex so with her help and some intense therapy I’ve dismissed this stupid suggestion.

“What the hell does this have to do with vampires?” you ask? You see, vampires are

Dinner never looked so good

capable of lust like people but because they are more animal then human they are not confined by our social rules and are therefore more free with their sexuality. The heroines in these books or what have you, are able to experience this sexual liberation and by becoming engrossed in the story we too can have that liberation but because you aren’t actually doing what’s being described or shown you feel better about it because hey that’s her or him not YOU. Also, vampires tend to be dominant creatures and there human partners are often described as weak. There is something sexy about putting your will sometimes even life in the hands of another being. Surrendering to what you want despite what your brain says you SHOULD do when we spend a lot denying are desires, sexual or otherwise, is an extremely appealing idea. There is also the concept of feeding. As gross as it can be described I find the whole idea extremely romantic. Hear me out; you’re giving up part of yourself, putting yourself through tremendous pain in some cases, so the one you love or at least lust after can live. If that’s not romantic I don’t know what is. Plus, I don’t know about any of you but I think the whole biting thing is a good metaphor for losing your virginity, you know, it hurts at first but after a bit it’s kinda ok. I don’t know maybe it’s just me.

The Vamp’s a BAMF

FRIGGIN EH

BAMF= Bad ass mother fucker

Vampires are sooooooooo fucking cool. They are able to beat the shit out of anyone. Normally I don’t promote violence, but how many women have at one point or another wished they could call a boyfriend and be like “That guy was a douche.” And your boyfriend would be all like “WTF! Nobody talks to my girlfriend like that!” then they’d proceed to teach the guy some manners by beating his face. Maybe it’s because I live in a bubble in which it is constantly a fairytale, but I believe a man should stand up to defend a woman’s honour. Now, I realize in our society one cannot beat up people for being douches, sad I know. As previously discussed however, vamps are more animal then human and therefore don’t necessarily do what we consider to be right. A good example of this type of vampire is Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He realizes he is superior to most humans in terms of strength so he just doesn’t give a crap. He takes what he pleases, kills just because he can, and is basically a rebel without a cause. Side note: He’s a babe.

I rest my case

They Don’t Make Em Like That Anymore

One final reason I believe vampires are so popular as romantic heroes is our love of romanticizing the past. We sometimes miss the more strict gender roles and mannerisms of the past. We miss when men had to court us. We yearn for the more poetic ways of speaking and the classiness of days gone by.

Before ya’ll get offended about sexism being my final reason, two words, Twilight and Harlequin.

At this point in history everyone and their dog knows about the Twilight Saga and its sexy sparkler Edward Cullen. He has caused some crazy shit to become invented including vampire sex toys, I’m not joking, it’s called the vamp. I know, I’m disturbed too. How has this character become so popular with the ladies? By being a sexist ass. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE him. He is smart, talented, caring and sexy as hell. I mean, I have him on a blankie, pillow, posters and more shirts then any one woman should own. He does however have some major douche tendencies. He treats Bella like a child rather than his partner. Telling her what she can and can’t do. At one point he even takes a part from her truck so she can’t go out. Despite this he still drives chicks NUTS. I guess part of me likes controlling assholes; I should probably work on that.

Harlequins present the same type of argument. The men are MEN, tough, demanding raw specimens of masculinity and people, including me, eat this crap up!   According to

Dude needs a haircut

Wikipedia Harlequin publishing earns $585 million per year. The books run from $2-$5 so that’s ALOT OF BOOKS. That doesn’t take into account the free books they have so yeah, women sometimes dig sexism, who knew?

So there you have it, a look at us living lust for the undead. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to remove all the garlic from my house.

-That Chick in the Chair

525,600 Minutes

How do you measure a year?

For me it can be measured in health. This time last year I had just turned 20, I was down to 78 lbs, I was bitter and didn’t care whether I lived or died. I hated my life and most of the people in it and was unable to move without pain.

Fast forward a year and thanks to the Nova Scotia Rehab and the intense therapy both physical and psychological I’m back baby! I may not have finished my degree but I wrote a novel I couldn’t be more proud of, I’m now a healthy weight and have a job working with the best group of kids you’ll ever meet:).

I would like to thank my stepmom for being the person who saved me from myself; I quite literally owe you my life. I would also like to thank EVERYONE at the NS. Rehab including the other patients who were there with me for putting this Humpty Dumpty back together again.

Well, 20 ruled, BRING ON 21!!!

-That Chick in the Chair

How is This Possible?

Here we go again,

Why is the VON so fond of policies that don’t make sense? If you’ve read this blog before you’ll recall the problems I’ve had in the past. Since that post I haven’t had another missed visit. That is until about two days ago.

See the fucking snow made it impossible for my aide to get out of her driveway, fair enough. According to the aides the policy for a situation like this is to call the client not scheduling so they can try to find someone to fill the visit. In fact, when one aide offered to do visit closer to her home instead of an hour away because she didn’t feel safe driving that far in the poor weather they got upset and said something like “No, that’s not how it works.” They then started bitching about pay and she said it wasn’t about money it was about making sure clients got care.  I couldn’t say it better myself.

Why, when given a rational solution did the schedulers turn it down flat? This has two answers, neither one makes them look good. 1. They’re stupid or 2. It‘s easier to make the emergency contact do it. The second is the most likely which begs the question, what happens if the emergency contact can’t get out of their driveway? Answer, you’re fucked. That’s right; if your emergency contact is stuck too have fun going without care. Joan was appalled and asked me why this was allowed to happen to which I replied “Life’s a bitch.” She thought I was being cold but it was the only answer I could think of for this shit. Is it a good answer? No.

You know, a lot of VON’s clients are the elderly who probably spent the majority of their lives contributing to this country in some way and still do. How do we thank them? Give them half ass care.

God I can’t wait to move so I don’t have to deal with this shit.

-That Chick in the Chair

Rollin in a Winter WonderHELL

Fuck,

You know snow is like a vampire. It’s pretty but as soon as you go near it it eats everything good in you. Yesterday Mother Nature decided to go PMSy and dumped like a shitload of snow on us. From the comfort of my bedroom it was pretty and put me in the mood for Christmas tunes and lots of other happy tra la la stuff. Today as I was forcing my way down my fucking driveway to my bus however I would have killed for a blowtorch.

Snow sucks, there is absolutely nothing it does for the earth. It’s heavy, cold, wet and if icy it can cause injuries. As a disabled person it can also be a prison. I don’t particularly like the outdoors; it’s dirty, full of bugs and other gross shit and more often then not stupid people. However I occasionally think activities outside my house are worth putting up with the bullshit. The snow is just one more fucking obstacle in a world that has not been made for me. My chair gets stuck very easily in the stuff so I don’t like risking it by going out by myself. I also have chronic pain and if I get cold it gets to the point where I can barely move.  I’m not one for self pity, but don’t I and my family have enough to deal with without fucking frozen water falling from the sky? I think so.

-That Chick in the Chair

Breaking Dawn: Goofy Girly Goodness

They're here...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK SO EXCITED! Ok, I’ll try to calm myself.

My mother and I just got back from seeing the first part of Breaking Dawn, which is the last book in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga and it ROCKED. I should explain that when I say rocked this is not because it was good, the acting was laughable, the story mindless and the CGI ridiculous. “But, all Twilight films are like that.” I hear you say. This is true, but you aint seen nothing yet.

Spiler alert !

(WARNING! SPOILERS! IF YOU HAVN’T SEEN IT YET AND WISH TO LEAVE NOW!)

I’m 16 and my crush is getting married FML!

I’ll give the creative team this, they know there audience. 2 minutes in, and that could be being generous, not only is Taylor Lautner shirtless with the rain running over his mismatched body, but

Sad puppy

there’s more angst in that one scene then there is in a teen girl’s diary. You seen, young Jake has just received an invite to the wedding of his true love to another, and at 16 IT’S TRUE LOVE MAN! Unable to deal with this crushing blow to his heart, he runs away throwing the invite to the ground in a fit of emoness. Oh, that’s so sad… Oh well, time for cake!

Take that Will & Kate!

``Whose the pretty girl in that mirror there``

We meet up with our favourite mixed species couple the day before their wedding. Alice, Edward’s sister, is busy ordering the other Cullen’s about as they prepare for the big day. Except for Edward, he’s to busy looking sexily solemn well Bella stares at him with a dumbass look on her face. I think she’s supposed to look smitten but she just looks stoned. Anyway, after some gawking and trying to walk in heels, it’s funny cause she’s clumsy, are you laughing? Yeah, I didn’t either. She goes home and of course Edward pulls a creepy stalker move and sneaks in without her hearing. Well there he confesses that when he was a young vampire he killed humans, but only murderers, rapists, and other assorted baddies. They do show him killing in the movie; it’s scary and hot at the same time. I mean he’s like Batman without the tights, AWSOME! I’ll admit when he kills though I had to hold my mom’s hand, what?

After that lovely trip down massacre lane Bella has a dream, you can tell it’s a dream because everything’s that blinding white that makes your eyes burn. The dream starts out all awe, with Bella and Edward’s wedding but quickly turns horrid as the isle turns to a river of blood and the couple stand on a pile made up of the corpses of their guests, their clothes and hands covered with blood. I know this will make me sound fucked but it was kind of beautiful in a gruesome way. The white makes the image of the blood more shocking and vibrant. Also, for the first time we see the darker consequences of Bella’s choice to become a vampire. Sure, in the previous films the consequences and risks are discussed but for the most part it’s “Hey, look how sexy I’ll be!” For the first time the audience will find itself questioning whether Bella becoming a vampire to be with the one she loves is truly worth the cost. Bella’s answer? HELL YEAH!

This disturbing image is quickly followed by the most cliché sickly sweet wedding you can think of. I loved it; I’m a wedding junkie so it made all the pleasure centers in my brain fire like mad. Everything was white and girly, not to mention it was full of hot guys in tuxes and there was a cameo by Stephanie Meyer. I only have one problem with the ceremony scene, the kiss was too long. No, I’m not ill. I know it was the most anticipated kiss in the series but it went on FOREVER. I tried to time it but I lost count because I was too caught up in the sap. My point is that they were in public, at some point people would be like “Um, ok guys, anytime now.”

Here comes the bride!

Note to self: Marry a demon, your reception will RULE! Seriously, best party EVER! Too bad our newlyweds didn’t get to enjoy a lot of it on screen; we have drama to get too! Turns out Jacob has a change of heat and comes to Bella’s big day to say goodbye. When Bella informs him that she wants to have a normal honeymoon and therefore is putting off her change he goes barking mad. He knows there’s a risk of Bella dying if she consummates her marriage well she is in her human state and attempts to attack Edward only to be held back by his own pack members and runs off to be emo again. I should point out that Bella is also aware of the risks of interspecies fornication but her raging teen hormones impair her ability to see logic. After all, he’s just so dreamy!

Such a dream boat -sigh-

Random wedding shots

It`s a nice day for a white wedding

Let them eat cake!

OMG!

Parents and siblings bursting with pride

Here we go!

Mr. & Mrs. Massen-Cullen

I WANT 1!

Let’s get it on. Not on screen you pervs!

Bella! Not infront of the fans!

So, this is it, everything’s lead up to this. The fan girls are on edge squeaking with delighted anticipation, it wasn’t just me right? Their on a private island in the middle of fucking nowhere

Edward`s on a boat!

the moon’s high in the sky casting everything in a ghostly glow. Bella being a highly insecure individual has a slight panic attack the results in her collapsing to the ground in a rather over the top fashion that I found highly amusing even though it was supposed to be epic. Bella decides she being stupid, there’s a first

Cliche-o-rama!

time for everything, and gussy’s up. For some reason the music people thought it appropriate to set her beauty routine to a rock song, apparently shaving your legs is hardcore. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the song it just didn’t fit.

That`s it, I`m not kidding

As for the love scene itself, we got nothin’. I’m not surprised it is PG 13 and because the author is a Mormon the book was the same. However, I think I speak for all older twilight fans when I say DAMNIT. I know some women who will be very disappointed. At any rate, whatever went down must have been CRAZY because the room looks like a tornado hit. Oh well, my first mom always says if something’s messy that means it was good. Granted, she was talking about food, but I think it applies here as well. Also, Bella is covered in bruises. Edward has the appropriate response to this and is horrified by her wounds. Bella on the other hand thinks they’re hot or something because she relives their cause in her mind as she discovers each one, which I’ll admit caused me to sigh longingly. Edward, being Mr. Buzz Kill, decides not to risk it a second time. This is short lived after a few days Bella cries and Edward’s will melts like butter. Yes, you read right, she cries and he decides her possible death is better than seeing her sad. That makes sense, wait…

Oh baby!

What would a cheesy romance series be without a pregnancy? In this case a pregnancy that could kill you from the inside out, YAY! Edward is once again the voice of reason and thinks that because the mutant spawn will most likely kill her she should abort it. Bella is once again an idiot martyr and calls Edward’s baby crazy sister Rosalie and together they prolong Bella’s painful death. I understand that Meyer’s religion is probably against abortion but c’mon dude for all you know the thing could come out and go on a murderous rampage,

Do you want this on your hands?

not to mention the whole death thing. This entire blatant disregard for her own survival leads me to believe Bella has severe issues and should seek help. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Wait, the baby being evil would fuck with the cotton candy sweetness of the story, better add more cuteness. Turns out that if Edward places his hand on Bella’s tummy he can hear the baby’s thoughts and guess what? The baby LOVES Mommy and Daddy and is happy. Mawwww so cute I could barf. This makes Edward do a complete 180 and coo over the thing like any expectant dad which is soooo cute. I know death and gore are ahead, but, DUDE, awwwwwwwwwwwwww, just, awwww.

I mean... LOOK!

No shit Sherlock

Ok, trivia time! What would a vampire baby eat? If you said blood congrats! You are officially smarter than 2 men with MD’s. Seriously Edward and Dr. Cullen? Bella’s body is rejecting food and it NEVER occurs to you that it might be because the vampire- human mutant growing in her womb wants blood? It took a 16 year old dog boy telling you that in his thoughts for you to figure that one out? Um, DUH, are you stupid? No? Coulda fooled me.

Now, I use to think pickles and ice cream sounded nasty, but next to human blood it sounds nummylicious! Watching Bella go to town on a big cup of O positive made me skip my soda for a tad. To quote the 7 year old sitting next to us in the theatre “Eeew.”

The miracle of life is DISGUSTING!

I don’t care what anyone says, birth is gross. The fact that a woman’s body can do it is awesome but it’s SICK! There’s blood and screaming and pain and that’s just human

OHS NOS!

births. Mutant spawn coming into the world is 100x worse with popping spines and your vampire hubby using his fangs as scalpels causing him to be coated with your various fluids. I’m confused, we can see this grotesque birth but we can’t see Rpatts naked? Maybe they wanted to make us think twice about teenage pregnancy.

This is what happens missy!

Luckily because this is happy go lucky land nothing has negative repercussions and Bella survives thanks to Edward’s fang juice.

Baby love

Do not fret Team Jacob your favourite puppy will find love in the form of Bella’s baby, yup from mother to daughter. Before you vomit let me explain Imprinting. Imprinting is described as having your will taken away do to an intense desire to please a woman. The attraction is not always sexual, at least at the start. Jake will at first be like a big brother to the infant, acting as a protector and playmate. As the child ages his role will gradually change from playmate to boyfriend and lover. It’s still creepy I mean, he made out with his future girlfriend’s mom! That poor girl’s going to need serious therapy.

The act of Imprinting was hilarious to watch. There was a cheesy montage of the baby aging complete with echoy voiceover and washed out colors which was shown just before Jacob drops to his knees in complete surrender. ALL HAIL THE SPARKLY SPAWN!

We may have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog

Holy bad acting and CGI Batman! I know I was supposed to look at the werewolves and see large, intimidating, graceful creatures but all I saw was laughable CGI and dialogue that belonged in an old Saturday morning super hero cartoon. DearTwilight movie team; Stop trying to be epic, you just look ridiculous! You’re dealing with puppies and sparkly Ken doll wannabes, not a bomb threat, CHILL! This was however the best part of the film just because of its epic fail in the drama department. I felt like it was mocking itself, but I don’t think the creators are witty enough to do that on purpose.

Oh no! CGI!

To sum up

If you’re looking for cinematic excellence skip this one. If however you want mindless girly wish fulfillment the Gods have answered your prayers.

-          That Chick in the Chair

Berwick’s Dull, What to Do? READ!

Hey yawl,

So, has anybody noticed how dull Berwick can be? Well with
some help from Joan (thanks Mom) I’m going to try to change that. As far as I
know there is no Young Adult book club in town so I’m going to try to start
one. Books will include:

Twilight Saga- Stephanie Meyer

The Lightning Thief- Rick Riordan

Harry Potter- J.K Rowling

The Outsiders- Susan E. Hinton

The Hunger Games- Suzanne Collins

The Book Thief- Markus Zusak

Uglies- Scott Westerfeld

Vampire Academy- Richelle Mead

The Mortal Interments Series: Cassandra Claire

I’ll be more than happy to take suggestions too. I’m not
sure about dates yet; I have to see if this takes off. If you’re 15 or older
(Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you can’t read YA books) and want
more details email me at: vicky_levack@hotmail.com.

Hope to hear from you

-That Chick in the Chair

PS. If you’re not in the Berwick area and want to join we
can probably Skype you in.

Thanks Isn’t Enough

Thanks doesn’t seem like enough,
On behalf of my fellow Canadians’ I would like to thank the brave service men and women past and present for protecting my freedom. I feel a thank you isn’t enough for the sacrifices’ you and your families have made and continue to make. These selfless individuals have in some cases given up their lives to protect the rights we enjoy as citizens of this great nation. Children have lost their parents sometimes at such a young age they don’t remember or get the chance to know them. Husbands and Wives have been torn from their lovers in a split second. Fiancée’s who had promised to share their lives with another never got the chance. Parents have had to bury the children they remember holding as they slept. Brothers and sisters losing or leaving the people who they thought would always be with them. I can’t thank you enough for what you do.

My father is currently in Kandahar as a civilian and as scary as that is at least I know he’ll come home alive. I can’t imagine the daily worry for the husbands’ wives and active duty members of our forces. Waking up wondering if today you or someone you love dies. Being scared to answer the phone because it just might be “the call”. Or if they are fortunate enough to return, having to live with the memories of what they’ve witnessed or done for the rest of their lives. It must be horrifying.

That is why I wanted to say thank you. It is because of you and the sacrifices’ of you andyour families, not God that I can say I live in a land that is glorious and free.