Sometimes Beautiful Things Grow in Shit…

Oh my Spike! What? How? Why? Whaaaa?

My dear readers, last night I watched the most atrocious movie to ever be made. A movie so terrible it actually made my head ache with its stupidity. A film that was so terrible its writer was so ashamed and he actually left the project. I’m talking about the giant media dump that is the 1992 film Buffy the Vampire Slayer

“Wait, I thought it was a T.V. show?” It is, and it is one of, if not the best show of all time. Its combination of wit, heart, humour, horror, romance sorrow and compelling characters make for a show I can watch over and over. Unfortunately, the movie has none of these things.

The acting sucks, Buffy’s a stupid slutty bimbo, and the vampires include Pee Wee Herman, stake me now.

The movie is basically Buffy’s origin story, except it’s not really because this movie will have no connection to the TV. show whatsoever, besides the name of course.

But let’s get to the main point of this post, here’s why it sucked ass.

Characters:

Buffy Summers:

“Why am i in this shit?”

This was one of my two main beefs with this piece of shit.

Joss Whedon, the brilliant man behind the Buffy show The Avengers and, this has stated that he created the character of Buffy because at the time young woman didn’t have a character in pop culture they could really look up to. A girl who could be into all the stereotypical girl stuff: Cheerleading, boys and OMG SHOPPING:D, but still be able to think and protect herself without having to run to the nearest person with a penis. Awesome concept that in the show, for the most part, is executed perfectly.

In the movie however, this gets tossed aside in favor of things that are “funny.”

The main joke is that Buffy’s a ditsy valley girl who is boy obsessed who is also supposed  to like save the world and junk, fine. Or it would be if Kristy Swanson’s voice didn’t make nails on a chalkboard sound like AC/DC. Seriously Miss. Swanson, there’s a way to sound ditsy without making us want to drive railroad spikes through our heads.

Also, on behalf of boy obsessed girly girls everywhere I would like to say that I am deeply hurt by the portrayal of my people in this film. Just because we have a love for fashion and binge on eye candy does not mean we don’t think and our highest aspiration is to be prom queen ok? We have big plans, don’t be jerk heads.

I get what they were trying to do, show a vapid completely dislikeable human being and thanks to her new responsibility have her progress into a strong woman people could look up to. Fair enough, typical coming of age stuff, and it would be cool if any of her work had made her less face palm worthy but the only thing that changed was that this horrible girl can now beat the shit out of you, fantastic…

There was one moment I thought she might redeem herself when she basically tells her friends that: “Hey! The upcoming dance isn’t important because peeps be diein and shit be cray! Can’t you see that bitches?” In the next scene however she tells her slaying buddy “Peeps can take care of themselves, I have to buy a dress for the dance.” Whaaat?

Side note: Her dress looks like it was made out of toilet paper. I couldn’t find a picture but trust me it UGLY.

Also, she is a lame slayer. During the main battle there was like six times she could have staked Lothos (The main Big Bad) and didn’t.  Which made me weep internally because it made the movie longer. Why Fox WHY?

just dust him GAWD!

 

Pike

Xander much?

No that’s not a typo. Pike is a friend Buffy meets when she and her drones go to a movie. At first they like totally hate each other and then because  some totally bogus vampire changed Pike’s friend into a blood sucking demon Buffy has to save him and then they like each other and then… THEY LIKE LIKE EACHOTHER OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS! Yeah that’s pretty much his story arch. Pike was the one I could tolerate the most. Oh, he was terribly stupid and Luke Perry’s acting made me wanna burrow into my brain with a drill, but at least he realised something was messed up and tried to get the hell outta town. Oh, and he told Buffy she was being dumb while he secretly loved her, had cool hair, wore a leather coat and had a motorcycle. Hey, wait a minute!

Oh my God…

 

They’re twins! Except Spike is like 1000x cooler!

Well, that was weird.

 

Vampires

Which include:

 

Benny: Pike’s friend

Lothos: Big Bad

Pee Wee Herman?

 

 

And some random ones.

The reason I lumped these suckers together is because my issue rest with them all.

They’re all really fucking annoying and stupid and it caused my inner vamp expert to throw a temper tantrum.

First off, vampires don’t always have to be scary but they should intimidate you! I mean they’re coming to drink your innerds hello! These things scared me but only because that made Edward Cullen look like a badass.

Yeah, scary.

They were soooooo stupid guys they looked like if The Count and Dracula had somehow procreated. It hurt guys, it hurt so bad. THEY DIDN’T EVEN DUST WHEN THEY DIED!

Ok, I need to move on before I have an attack of some sort.

 

Merrick

GILES WOULD BE ASHAMED!

This dude is Buffy’s Watcher, for people and certain daddies that don’t know, a Watcher is like a slayer’s Jedi master, teaches her all the ins and outs of Slayerdome.

Merrick is super creepy and is not helpful at all. In fact, when Lothos attacks Buffy for the first time Merrick just stands there for like 20 seconds before responding and even then he’s just like “She’s not ready for you Lothos.” To which I responded “WHAT THE FUCK? Are you raising her like a pig for slaughter?” Is that the deal?

Step 1. Find Slayer.

Step 2. Train Slayer to kick ass.

Step 3. Give to Twilight reject to murder.

Shitty deal.

Anyway Merrick finally tries to help and gets impaled with his own stake, Buffy is sad but no one cares because we know next to nothing about her Watcher or the relationship she has with him.

Oh, I almost forgot! The guy who played Merrick shows up in the show as a gypsy with a terrible accent!

 

Stupid people

Yes, that is Hillary Swank

This group includes all of the humans in Buffy’s town, which is not Sunnydale at this point btw.

Ok. In the show vampires look human before they feed so Sunnydale’s residents not knowing about vampires makes sense. It’s like:

Oh heeey…

HOLY SHIT! PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!?

 

 

In the movie however vamps always look like this.

Totes normal

How the hell can no one know there be vampires up in here!

Even if I wasn’t the not walking, talking vamplipedia I am I’d still be like. “I don’t believe that guy is entirely normal. Perhaps I shall warn people and run like hell.” But these idiots are just like “Dum de dum, it’s a beautiful day.” Don’t worry about it Buff, let Darwin take care of em.

 

So I guess that’s about it. This movie is a piece of crap with no redeeming qualities whatsoever…

Wait a sec…

 

I take that back. SPIKE BLESS THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE! :D.

 

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The Blog In Which I Rock!

YAY!!!

OMG THAT WAS AWESOME!

Ok, context would be good chick. You’re right, I’m sorry let me explain.

Last week I went to the concert with my best friend I discussed in my last post, and it was the best thing ever so let me regale you with the tail of our little adventure…

The concert started at seven (Well, it was supposed to, it started late. As my friend reminded me every minute they were late.)  The concert was outside so we decided to go what we considered to be super early and left my place together at 4pm to ensure we got a good spot because we are both a tad on the petite side. “Surely getting there by 4:30 will be sufficient.”  We thought… Yeah, we were wrong.

The line was fucking huge. I believe my friends response upon seeing it was “Holy crap, we’re gonna die.”  Since I’m the classy one in our friendship I responded with “Holy shit balls!”  We could have been like the crazies and shown up at 8am, but as my companion so eloquently phrased it “Fuck that.” It’s just a good thing my wheelchair elevates to 5’1 or I wouldn’t have been able to see a damn thing. I mean look at this mob!

Yeah, holy fuck

So yeah, thanks for that handy option Joan and Dad. It also put my friend’s mind at ease; she gets worried about losing me in large crowds in the city because people could be like axe murders or cannibals, or axe murdering cannibals! Can’t say I blame her, I watch the news.

Anyway, after standing around for three hours, well one of us stood, some chick named Kay opened for Carley Rae Jepsen. Yeah an opener for the opener, weird eh? She was some rapper chick from Nova Scotia who was terrible. She had no stage presents and made me see exactly what Lady Gaga’s kid would look like if the father was a mouse. It was highly disturbing. Sometimes I wonder how the hell people get famous…

The face of Satan!

After the mutant Barbie left the stage, to very few claps I might add, Carle Rea Jepsen’s band came to set up. This seemed to be a hit with the ladies, not because it meant someone who doesn’t suck was going to take the stage but because her guitarist was a q to the t times pi. It was hilarious! The dude didn’t even have to do anything except stand there to make the girls in the audience go YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! No, I wasn’t one of them.

J (The girl who I went with) didn’t get it. More than once she’d turn to me and say “Wtf”? Nothing’s going on”. I then explained that hot guy +guitar= raging hormones. It’s like a scientific fact. Here’s a pic of the back of hot guitar guy’s head:

 

That is one smexy cranium

Anyway, as soon as Carley Rea came out things got awesome! She was amazing and I’m surprised I still had my voice and hearing by the time she was done due to the amount of screams my own WOOOOOOOOOOOO’s were mingled with. These included J’s “DO YOU SEE HER? DO YOU SEE HER!!!?”

 

OMG I WANT HER DRESS!

 

I learned something about Miss Jepsen whilst watching her performance that I wouldn’t have suspected, chick is crafty. She pulled the ol’ “Ya think I’m gonna sing my hit song but I’m not. Psych! Yes I am!” Which earned a “That bitch!” From J because she had planned to record us singing along with her performance and had put her camera down when we thought wasn’t going to be sung and had to scramble to get it recording again. It was funny: D.

Fist of power!!!

After that Carley’s hot guitar guy had to leave the stage, sad times.

Then Mariana’s Trench took the stage and all hell broke loose. Holy shit guys, bitches be crazy and so do rock stars for that matter.

Josh Ramsey, AKA lead singer aka one of the best peeps EVER!

Ok. Let’s start with the most fucked up shall we. One of the many times the lead singer jumped into the mob (Which pissed security right off btw), some chick, at least I’m assuming it was a chick, I didn’t see it happen, decided to shove her hand down the front of buddy’s pants. WHAT… THE… FUCK?! You just don’t fucking do that ok? That’s sexual assault, the guy could press charges. I know he won’t, but he could ok? No, just, no, ewe. Wow, suddenly my squeal of delight whenever I watch anything with James Marsters doesn’t seem half as weird as it did a week ago.

I mean, look at da cute wittle face. Look at it ,just, awwwe

Moving on, the show was fantastic and totally worth the $47.00 I spent on my ticket. They didn’t just sing they preformed! That being said, I don’t know which was more fun to watch, the show or J watching it. J fangirling is probably the funniest/cutest thing I have seen like ever. She was head banging and jumping around and screaming like a nut and it was aufreakindorable. At one point she ran into the crowd when the singer ran by and came back all flustered after almost being smooshed by the horde, and was like “I touched Josh Ramsey, or maybe his body guard but whatever, it was awesome!” Love ya J.

Oh, I almost forgot! Her journey back to me from the horde looked a lot like this…

Well I guess that’s all to report. Main point It was awesome and I’m so glad J remembered it because that reminded me why I moved here in the first place. After all you can’t do that in valley!

Now, here are some random funny quotes from that night.

J: “If they hurt you I’ll snap their necks.” (After I mention I might get squashed by the horde.)

V: Laughs hysterically.

J: “Why do laugh when I say violent things?”

V: “I’m morbid.”

 

Fans: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

J: “yay! Nothing’s happening!”

V: -shrug- “Hot guitar guy just walked by.”

 

J: (Referring to Josh Ramsey) “He might crowed surf.”

V:”I hope he doesn’t come back this far. He’d end up on my tray.”

J:”That’d be ok.”

 

Fans:”SREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM”

Josh Ramsey: “Shh, Daddy’s talking.”

Josh Ramsey to a band mate: “You taped a dick to the back of my guitar, asshole.”

That’s Better…

My bff and I ❤

Well, it’s funny what a couple days can do,

When I last did a personal post my outlook was less then chipper and that’s putting it mildly. Fast forward to today and I couldn’t be happier!

Why the switch? Thanks to my Step-mom I realized something very important. The place is just a place to hang my hat, well, if I wore one. In order to be the happy 21 year old hip happenin chick I want to be I need to keep as busy as I possibly can outside this “house”. This has been the case my entire life, I’m happiest when I have a purpose and regular human contact, but I think it’s especially important now given the depressing environment I now live in. Luckily the universe feels the same way.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK 😀

A day or two after I posted my blog I received a call from my best friend asking me to go to a concert with her. Given my need to “get the hell outta dodge” as they say, I responded with an enthusiastic “Hell yes!” and I’ve been PSYCHED for the past two days! It doesn’t even matter that this place is sad as fuck because now when I feel out of place there’s a little voice in my head that’s like “Whateves, I’m goin to see Marianas Trench BIOTCH!” My inner voice is very gangsta.

 

Oh, but wait, there’s more!

I was recently chatting with one of the CCA’s I’ve become quite close with about my novel. We were discussing my chagrin at having to use an abstract image for my cover because one cannot use copy righted images and because I’m not a millionaire, yet, I can’t hire models. She then said the best words I’ve heard all week: “You know, I’ve got some guy friends who would probably pose for your cover. Why couldn’t we find a gothy spot in town and do a little photo shoot and you could pick one for your cover?”

After I regained my ability to form words, I decided that was the best idea ever! Nothings 100% set yet but I should know by this weekend if we’re good to go! I saw photos of the guy she’s going t ask to “play” the lead and he’ll work quite nicely.If this works out I’ll be the happiest author ever! So yeah, that could be a thing.

 

And I just became a volunteer with the local children’s’ hospital. I got an ID and it’s laminated! How legit is that! Right now my only job will be checking to see if info for one of their databases is accurate, but once that’s updated I’d really like to volunteer to read to/tell kids stories. I had a job at the local library doing that back in my hometown and I loved it. It just feels good to help a group of people who helped me a lot growing up (I was in and out of there a lot for surgery and specialist appointments).

I guess that’s all for now, just wanted y’all to know that the status report isn’t as dire as it once was.

Musical Musings

Hey interweb peoples,

First, thank you to everyone who read my previous post. I felt it was an important story to tell and at the time I’m writing this so do 11 others. So, thank you!

Anybody who has known me for at least a week can probably tell you three things:

1. Hey, that chick’s in a chair!

2. That chick’s love of pink and vampires borders on insanity.

3. That chick loves her musicals.

And as I’ve addressed the top two statements n previous posts it’s only fair I devote a post to the third.

Yes I LOVE musicals. They can be used to tell any story be it comedy drama or horror. No other genre is as eclectic as the musical and that is one of the reasons I love it so much.

For my 21st birthday my dad, being the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious dad he is, took me to New York City for a weekend.

Best Daddy daughter time EVER!

We saw 3 Broadway shows: The Lon King, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying (This one stared Daniel Radcliffe AKA. Harry freaking Potter!) and Wicked. It was AWESOME! It was then that my theory that being a Broadway star would be the best job ever was confirmed.

Unfortunately, being in a chair, my dance skills are pretty limited. Those I do have are impeded further by my lack of rhythm. Also, when I sing it sounds like a cat is being put through a meat grinder.

Yes I’m afraid being a Broadway starlet is not in my cards. That doesn’t stop me from making a list of my top 5 dream roles and putting it online!

Before we begin I should say that these choices do NOT reflect my favourite musicals. In fact, I barely actually watch any of the musicals on this list. I chose these roles based on their funosity, yes that’s a word.

5. Maureen Johnson (RENT)

I mean, DUDE!

Ok. Quick summery of RENT for those who don’t know what it’s about. RENT follows the lives of a group of Bohemian individuals from New York City who live with AIDS and an indie film maker who documents their lives for 1 year.

Miss Johnson is a bisexual performance artist who is a wee bit of a player/flirt and a TOTAL drama queen. Come on, how does that not  sound like fun?

Oh, and she get’s this number!

Yes, the woman who played Maureen in the 2005 RENT movie also plays Rachel’s Mom on Glee.

 

4. Mimi Marquez (RENT).

Girl power!

So I put two roles from the same show on my list, big whoop wanna fight ‘bout it?

Mimi is among our gang of rebellious misfits. She is a 19 year-old recovering heroine addict who also happens to be a stripper at a local joint called The Cat Scratch Club.

Despite her rather shitty circumstances she has an incredibly spunky personality and a quick and witty tongue. She also has the funniest number in the show in which she tries to seduce her neighbor Roger. If you don’t know what I’m talking and would like to click here.

3. Elle Woods. (Legally Blonde: The Musical)

I want that outfit!

Like oh my gawd you guys! This role was like totally made for me! A perky young woman who is boy crazy, wears enough pink to give Barbie a run for her money yet still has a brain in her head? I wouldn’t even have to act! Plus, the songs are sooo catchy!

2. Janet Weiss (The Rocky Horror Show)

You get to wear a sweet hat!

Before y’all get all “It’s The Rocky Horror PICTURE Show… moron.” The picture part was added to the title for the movie, because yeah know, it’s a picture.

See?

I have a rocky relationship with this musical (GET IT!). My first encounter with the acid trip that is TRHS happened when I was 15. My dad and I we’re in Quebec getting my now retired service dog and the instructors had taken us to the mall as a training exercise. Being 15 and unaware of the magic that is downloading I rushed to the HMV, Daddy and doggy in tow.

I was browsing the 2/$20 DVD section when my father noticed the musical in question and a conversation similar to this took place:

Dad: You should get this.

Me: Why?

Dad: It’s a classic!

Me: So?

Dad: Do you like musicals?

Me: Yes.

Dad: Do you like rock music?

Me: Yes.

Dad: Then you’ll like it.

Me: Ok… *Looks closer at Tim Curry on case* That’s a dude!  

Annnnd, end scene.

Anyway, trusting my father like the perfect daughter I am, I brought it home.

Later that night well my Dad helped run some errands for people I popped my new movie in. What followed was nearly two hours of HELL!

I hated it! It made no sense! There were people mackin on their sisters and Frankinstein-esque sex slaves and an ORGY! At the time I was convinced I was scarred for life because of the debauchery I had just been subjected to! In fact, I hated it so passionately that I used it to train my dog to pick up CD’s, giggling merrily each time it got scratched.

Fast forward about 6 months. I tell my friends of my traumatic ordeal, which horrifies them. Oh no, not because it traumatized and confused the fuck outta me. They’re upset because, how can I not love it.

“But it makes no sense!” I defend myself.

“It’s not supposed to.” Oh…

Once that little tidbit was shared and I watched it with a group rather than by my lonesome. I LOVED IT!

Seriously, if you just give into the madness it RULES! The songs are catchy, the visuals are gorgeous and it spoofs the horror genre very well, but I’m getting sidetracked.

Let’s talk about Janet dammnit! She is a young woman who just got engaged to her boyfriend Brad Majors, a dorky guy who she met in science class, awe.

The pair decides to go visit their old professor to share the good news but on the way their car breaks down, ohs nos!

They go to a nearby castle looking for help and hijynx ensue!

Sweet innocent Miss Weiss has her first sexual encounter with her loving fiancée the transvestite master of the house and screams and faints a lot. Fun right?

 

Well, here we are. This is it, the big one, the role I’d kill for. The role that, if I got it, I’d bake the casting director a pie…

1. Mrs. Lovett (Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber on Fleet Street)

Isn’t she soooooo cool?! OMG LOVETT!

She has everything! Yes she’s insane and bakes her meat pies using human meat. But she also takes in a young boy who was abused after they bake his master into a scrumptious meaty treat and raises him like a son.

They are just so freaking cute! ❤

She gets a kick out of cannibalism but she’s weak and venerable and just wants Mr. Todd to marry her and go live by the sea!

This character has so many different personalities and I love them all! Oh, and she get’s the Hansel and Gretel treatment at the end!

“Oh… shit.”

So there you have it people, my top 5 dream roles. Do you think I’m nuts now? 😀

Home Sweet Home?

Um… not so much…

Hey everyone!

You know, I’ve been feeling a tad down lately. So I’m dealing with it the way any a 21 year old in the current century would: Eating carbs (I have no chocolate at the mo), listening to show tunes and complaining about my current issues on the internet. I love this decade!

Why so sad Chick? Well, I’ve lived in the supported care environment my dad mentioned in his blog recently for about 4 and a half months now and for the most part it’s great. The staff is kind and I’ve even become friends with a few of them. My writing career is going swimmingly with my first book probably coming out by the end of the month on Smashwords.com. I tried going the traditional route with publishing but Harlequin rejected my manuscript,-cough- jerks -cough-, so I decided to self published. It’s a smutty vampire romance called Blood Lust and it’ll only be $1.99! Anyway, even with my dream career falling into place and the sweet taste of freedom still fresh in my mouth I have one major issue. You see, I’m the only one like me. Most of the people here can be divided into three categories: 1. not at my cognitive level. 2. Too old for me to relate to/ form a real friendship with or 3. Total jerks who hate their lives and EVERYBODY ELSE. Most of the time one person falls into at least 2 categories at once. There was one woman here who I thought I could be friends with but it not so quickly became clear to me that she was friends with my debit card, not me.  I have made friends with one woman here, who I will call T here because I don’t know how she’d feel about me using her name. T is basically the coolest person ever. She is old enough to be my mom but she doesn’t act it and has CP like me. When I first got here T took me under her wing and we’ve been “Double Trouble” ever since. In fact we only fight about two things. 1. Who the princess is (She has the flag and signs but I have the tiara, I think I win.) 2. Who has James Marsters (Spike from Buffy) as a fantasy boyfriend (Joan labelled my poster of him “Vicky’s boyfriend.” So again, I winJ). Fun side note: When I showed T my poster of him for the first time she said “Holy hunka hunka burnin’ love! Come ta Mama!” A perfectly rational response when the dude looks like this…

 

Hello Handsome!

Sorry, distracted by six-packs. Anyway, even though I have her around I find the minute a venture into the hallway here I am struck with reality, and it’s a bitch. I see people who unlike me are trapped in their own bodies because they can’t communicate either because they lack the muscle control to do so or because they are too lost in their own minds to do so. I’ve seen people so hardened by whatever put them here that they give up. I’ve overheard people confess that they want to die. Sometimes I just want to weep, not for me but for them because it seems like the only thing I can do for them. I know it won’t solve a damn thing but at least I’d be doing something! I know that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, hell, it barely makes sense to me but there you have it. I do what I can, say hi to people who don’t get spoken to, compliment people on clothing ect. But that doesn’t fix the issues they have, it doesn’t even put a fucking Band Aid on them.

So you see, it’s not me I feel sad about.  Since moving here I have realized how incredibly blessed I am. I want for nothing and my family actually wants me in their lives, which is more than some of the people here can say. No, my issue that I’m a fixer, not in everyday problems; I can’t do that worth shit, right Joanie? 🙂 I mean if somebody’s sad I cheer them up. Come skipping in in my Barbie pink dresses, my chipper smile and a witty yet cheesy joke and VOLA! All better.

I’m afraid I can’t fix this this time , and that sucks.

A Chip Off the Ol’ Block

My Idol

Hey Daddy,

I just wanted to take some time on this Father’s day to thank you for everything you do for me.

I know I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to work away from home all the time what

A man’s best friend

with the temporary insanity and late teenage rebellion. I promise that won’t happen again! It seems no matter how fucked up things get you’re always there to put your little girl back together. You’ve not only saved me from myself however, you we’re there to slay the monster under my bed when I was too small to do it on my own. I don’t know what would

Not just my hero.

have become of me if you hadn’t been there to show me what it really meant to be loved, I’m guessing I’d be        pretty fucked up, so thanks dude! You are my  dad, my hero and my moral compass. You helped teach

me right from wrong,that being in a chair is a challenge but doesn’t make things

Man’s other best friend.

impossible. Everything’s wheelchair accessible if you push hard enough right? Most importantly you showed me how to embrace challenges with humour and determination. You’ve given me the strength to deal with the bigots, cowards and idiots of this world. Whether it was nature or nurture I’m not sure, but I definitely got it from you.

Mom was right you know? I am just like my father; I think I’m ok with that.

Love Your Eldest xxxx

I love you Daddy:D

From AHHHHHHHHHHH To Awwwwe: A Look at Why We Find Vampires Soooooo Hunky

Lucky bitch

So sorry I haven’t blogged in forever there are two reasons for this: 1. the topics just weren’t coming to mind. 2. I just didn’t wanna. Anyway, enough with the damn excuses that’s not why ya’ll are here.

If you have been reading this blog for some time now or know me personally one thing becomes abundantly clear. No, I’m not talking about the fact that I’m smart, hilariously witty, talented or humble. I’m talking about the fact that I have a slight obsession with vampires.

Fangs are HOT:D

Oh who am I trying to kid, I LOVE those blood sucking blokes. They are quite simply the most fantastically complex fictional creatures invented by the human imagination. If not for their existence in pop culture I wouldn’t have discovered my love or talent for putting my thoughts to paper. Thanks Bram Stocker for getting the ball rolling.

So why do people, women in particular, find vampires so appealing? This has, on the surface, a very simple answer, THEY ARE HOT HOT HOTTIES WHO OOZE HOTTNESS! Sorry, had to get that out of the way. Now, let us delve into what makes them thus. Keep in mind these are my opinions, feel free to refute any of my theory.

FREE LOVE BABY!

FREEDOM!

Ok, let’s get the whole sex part dealt with first. Why? Because it’s a major part of my theory and so my poor father can relax after this section is over.

Humans by nature are sexual creatures. All of us at SOME point will become aware of this fact. It’s a good thing too, if we weren’t our species would be all dead and stuff and that would SUCK. That being said, that’s not why we do it (ha-ha). Let’s be honest people, the reason we have sex is because it’s fun. Sometimes it’s because we love someone and want to connect with them on another level but not always and even then, as my 7^th grade health teacher once said “If sex was like doin the dishes, no one would do it.” He was a very wise man.

Ok, so we’ve established everybody likes it on one level or another. Why then is it such a taboo thing? It’s all over TV, movies, music art; the list goes on and on. If we try to talk about sex however we’re being “bad” or “naughty”. This notion is fed to us as kids and for some people never goes away. Fortunately for me, my stepmother has always been extremely cool and open about sex so with her help and some intense therapy I’ve dismissed this stupid suggestion.

“What the hell does this have to do with vampires?” you ask? You see, vampires are

Dinner never looked so good

capable of lust like people but because they are more animal then human they are not confined by our social rules and are therefore more free with their sexuality. The heroines in these books or what have you, are able to experience this sexual liberation and by becoming engrossed in the story we too can have that liberation but because you aren’t actually doing what’s being described or shown you feel better about it because hey that’s her or him not YOU. Also, vampires tend to be dominant creatures and there human partners are often described as weak. There is something sexy about putting your will sometimes even life in the hands of another being. Surrendering to what you want despite what your brain says you SHOULD do when we spend a lot denying are desires, sexual or otherwise, is an extremely appealing idea. There is also the concept of feeding. As gross as it can be described I find the whole idea extremely romantic. Hear me out; you’re giving up part of yourself, putting yourself through tremendous pain in some cases, so the one you love or at least lust after can live. If that’s not romantic I don’t know what is. Plus, I don’t know about any of you but I think the whole biting thing is a good metaphor for losing your virginity, you know, it hurts at first but after a bit it’s kinda ok. I don’t know maybe it’s just me.

The Vamp’s a BAMF

FRIGGIN EH

BAMF= Bad ass mother fucker

Vampires are sooooooooo fucking cool. They are able to beat the shit out of anyone. Normally I don’t promote violence, but how many women have at one point or another wished they could call a boyfriend and be like “That guy was a douche.” And your boyfriend would be all like “WTF! Nobody talks to my girlfriend like that!” then they’d proceed to teach the guy some manners by beating his face. Maybe it’s because I live in a bubble in which it is constantly a fairytale, but I believe a man should stand up to defend a woman’s honour. Now, I realize in our society one cannot beat up people for being douches, sad I know. As previously discussed however, vamps are more animal then human and therefore don’t necessarily do what we consider to be right. A good example of this type of vampire is Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He realizes he is superior to most humans in terms of strength so he just doesn’t give a crap. He takes what he pleases, kills just because he can, and is basically a rebel without a cause. Side note: He’s a babe.

I rest my case

They Don’t Make Em Like That Anymore

One final reason I believe vampires are so popular as romantic heroes is our love of romanticizing the past. We sometimes miss the more strict gender roles and mannerisms of the past. We miss when men had to court us. We yearn for the more poetic ways of speaking and the classiness of days gone by.

Before ya’ll get offended about sexism being my final reason, two words, Twilight and Harlequin.

At this point in history everyone and their dog knows about the Twilight Saga and its sexy sparkler Edward Cullen. He has caused some crazy shit to become invented including vampire sex toys, I’m not joking, it’s called the vamp. I know, I’m disturbed too. How has this character become so popular with the ladies? By being a sexist ass. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE him. He is smart, talented, caring and sexy as hell. I mean, I have him on a blankie, pillow, posters and more shirts then any one woman should own. He does however have some major douche tendencies. He treats Bella like a child rather than his partner. Telling her what she can and can’t do. At one point he even takes a part from her truck so she can’t go out. Despite this he still drives chicks NUTS. I guess part of me likes controlling assholes; I should probably work on that.

Harlequins present the same type of argument. The men are MEN, tough, demanding raw specimens of masculinity and people, including me, eat this crap up!   According to

Dude needs a haircut

Wikipedia Harlequin publishing earns $585 million per year. The books run from $2-$5 so that’s ALOT OF BOOKS. That doesn’t take into account the free books they have so yeah, women sometimes dig sexism, who knew?

So there you have it, a look at us living lust for the undead. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to remove all the garlic from my house.

-That Chick in the Chair