Oh my Spike! What? How? Why? Whaaaa?
My dear readers, last night I watched the most atrocious movie to ever be made. A movie so terrible it actually made my head ache with its stupidity. A film that was so terrible its writer was so ashamed and he actually left the project. I’m talking about the giant media dump that is the 1992 film Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Wait, I thought it was a T.V. show?” It is, and it is one of, if not the best show of all time. Its combination of wit, heart, humour, horror, romance sorrow and compelling characters make for a show I can watch over and over. Unfortunately, the movie has none of these things.
The acting sucks, Buffy’s a stupid slutty bimbo, and the vampires include Pee Wee Herman, stake me now.
The movie is basically Buffy’s origin story, except it’s not really because this movie will have no connection to the TV. show whatsoever, besides the name of course.
But let’s get to the main point of this post, here’s why it sucked ass.
This was one of my two main beefs with this piece of shit.
Joss Whedon, the brilliant man behind the Buffy show The Avengers and, this has stated that he created the character of Buffy because at the time young woman didn’t have a character in pop culture they could really look up to. A girl who could be into all the stereotypical girl stuff: Cheerleading, boys and OMG SHOPPING:D, but still be able to think and protect herself without having to run to the nearest person with a penis. Awesome concept that in the show, for the most part, is executed perfectly.
In the movie however, this gets tossed aside in favor of things that are “funny.”
The main joke is that Buffy’s a ditsy valley girl who is boy obsessed who is also supposed to like save the world and junk, fine. Or it would be if Kristy Swanson’s voice didn’t make nails on a chalkboard sound like AC/DC. Seriously Miss. Swanson, there’s a way to sound ditsy without making us want to drive railroad spikes through our heads.
Also, on behalf of boy obsessed girly girls everywhere I would like to say that I am deeply hurt by the portrayal of my people in this film. Just because we have a love for fashion and binge on eye candy does not mean we don’t think and our highest aspiration is to be prom queen ok? We have big plans, don’t be jerk heads.
I get what they were trying to do, show a vapid completely dislikeable human being and thanks to her new responsibility have her progress into a strong woman people could look up to. Fair enough, typical coming of age stuff, and it would be cool if any of her work had made her less face palm worthy but the only thing that changed was that this horrible girl can now beat the shit out of you, fantastic…
There was one moment I thought she might redeem herself when she basically tells her friends that: “Hey! The upcoming dance isn’t important because peeps be diein and shit be cray! Can’t you see that bitches?” In the next scene however she tells her slaying buddy “Peeps can take care of themselves, I have to buy a dress for the dance.” Whaaat?
Side note: Her dress looks like it was made out of toilet paper. I couldn’t find a picture but trust me it UGLY.
Also, she is a lame slayer. During the main battle there was like six times she could have staked Lothos (The main Big Bad) and didn’t. Which made me weep internally because it made the movie longer. Why Fox WHY?
No that’s not a typo. Pike is a friend Buffy meets when she and her drones go to a movie. At first they like totally hate each other and then because some totally bogus vampire changed Pike’s friend into a blood sucking demon Buffy has to save him and then they like each other and then… THEY LIKE LIKE EACHOTHER OH MY GAWD YOU GUYS! Yeah that’s pretty much his story arch. Pike was the one I could tolerate the most. Oh, he was terribly stupid and Luke Perry’s acting made me wanna burrow into my brain with a drill, but at least he realised something was messed up and tried to get the hell outta town. Oh, and he told Buffy she was being dumb while he secretly loved her, had cool hair, wore a leather coat and had a motorcycle. Hey, wait a minute!
Well, that was weird.
And some random ones.
The reason I lumped these suckers together is because my issue rest with them all.
They’re all really fucking annoying and stupid and it caused my inner vamp expert to throw a temper tantrum.
First off, vampires don’t always have to be scary but they should intimidate you! I mean they’re coming to drink your innerds hello! These things scared me but only because that made Edward Cullen look like a badass.
They were soooooo stupid guys they looked like if The Count and Dracula had somehow procreated. It hurt guys, it hurt so bad. THEY DIDN’T EVEN DUST WHEN THEY DIED!
Ok, I need to move on before I have an attack of some sort.
This dude is Buffy’s Watcher, for people and certain daddies that don’t know, a Watcher is like a slayer’s Jedi master, teaches her all the ins and outs of Slayerdome.
Merrick is super creepy and is not helpful at all. In fact, when Lothos attacks Buffy for the first time Merrick just stands there for like 20 seconds before responding and even then he’s just like “She’s not ready for you Lothos.” To which I responded “WHAT THE FUCK? Are you raising her like a pig for slaughter?” Is that the deal?
Step 1. Find Slayer.
Step 2. Train Slayer to kick ass.
Step 3. Give to Twilight reject to murder.
Anyway Merrick finally tries to help and gets impaled with his own stake, Buffy is sad but no one cares because we know next to nothing about her Watcher or the relationship she has with him.
Oh, I almost forgot! The guy who played Merrick shows up in the show as a gypsy with a terrible accent!
This group includes all of the humans in Buffy’s town, which is not Sunnydale at this point btw.
Ok. In the show vampires look human before they feed so Sunnydale’s residents not knowing about vampires makes sense. It’s like:
In the movie however vamps always look like this.
How the hell can no one know there be vampires up in here!
Even if I wasn’t the not walking, talking vamplipedia I am I’d still be like. “I don’t believe that guy is entirely normal. Perhaps I shall warn people and run like hell.” But these idiots are just like “Dum de dum, it’s a beautiful day.” Don’t worry about it Buff, let Darwin take care of em.
So I guess that’s about it. This movie is a piece of crap with no redeeming qualities whatsoever…
I take that back. SPIKE BLESS THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE! :D.