EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK SO EXCITED! Ok, I’ll try to calm myself.
My mother and I just got back from seeing the first part of Breaking Dawn, which is the last book in Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga and it ROCKED. I should explain that when I say rocked this is not because it was good, the acting was laughable, the story mindless and the CGI ridiculous. “But, all Twilight films are like that.” I hear you say. This is true, but you aint seen nothing yet.
Spiler alert !
(WARNING! SPOILERS! IF YOU HAVN’T SEEN IT YET AND WISH TO LEAVE NOW!)
I’m 16 and my crush is getting married FML!
I’ll give the creative team this, they know there audience. 2 minutes in, and that could be being generous, not only is Taylor Lautner shirtless with the rain running over his mismatched body, but
Sad puppy 😦
there’s more angst in that one scene then there is in a teen girl’s diary. You seen, young Jake has just received an invite to the wedding of his true love to another, and at 16 IT’S TRUE LOVE MAN! Unable to deal with this crushing blow to his heart, he runs away throwing the invite to the ground in a fit of emoness. Oh, that’s so sad… Oh well, time for cake!
Take that Will & Kate!
``Whose the pretty girl in that mirror there``
We meet up with our favourite mixed species couple the day before their wedding. Alice, Edward’s sister, is busy ordering the other Cullen’s about as they prepare for the big day. Except for Edward, he’s to busy looking sexily solemn well Bella stares at him with a dumbass look on her face. I think she’s supposed to look smitten but she just looks stoned. Anyway, after some gawking and trying to walk in heels, it’s funny cause she’s clumsy, are you laughing? Yeah, I didn’t either. She goes home and of course Edward pulls a creepy stalker move and sneaks in without her hearing. Well there he confesses that when he was a young vampire he killed humans, but only murderers, rapists, and other assorted baddies. They do show him killing in the movie; it’s scary and hot at the same time. I mean he’s like Batman without the tights, AWSOME! I’ll admit when he kills though I had to hold my mom’s hand, what?
After that lovely trip down massacre lane Bella has a dream, you can tell it’s a dream because everything’s that blinding white that makes your eyes burn. The dream starts out all awe, with Bella and Edward’s wedding but quickly turns horrid as the isle turns to a river of blood and the couple stand on a pile made up of the corpses of their guests, their clothes and hands covered with blood. I know this will make me sound fucked but it was kind of beautiful in a gruesome way. The white makes the image of the blood more shocking and vibrant. Also, for the first time we see the darker consequences of Bella’s choice to become a vampire. Sure, in the previous films the consequences and risks are discussed but for the most part it’s “Hey, look how sexy I’ll be!” For the first time the audience will find itself questioning whether Bella becoming a vampire to be with the one she loves is truly worth the cost. Bella’s answer? HELL YEAH!
This disturbing image is quickly followed by the most cliché sickly sweet wedding you can think of. I loved it; I’m a wedding junkie so it made all the pleasure centers in my brain fire like mad. Everything was white and girly, not to mention it was full of hot guys in tuxes and there was a cameo by Stephanie Meyer. I only have one problem with the ceremony scene, the kiss was too long. No, I’m not ill. I know it was the most anticipated kiss in the series but it went on FOREVER. I tried to time it but I lost count because I was too caught up in the sap. My point is that they were in public, at some point people would be like “Um, ok guys, anytime now.”
Here comes the bride!
Note to self: Marry a demon, your reception will RULE! Seriously, best party EVER! Too bad our newlyweds didn’t get to enjoy a lot of it on screen; we have drama to get too! Turns out Jacob has a change of heat and comes to Bella’s big day to say goodbye. When Bella informs him that she wants to have a normal honeymoon and therefore is putting off her change he goes barking mad. He knows there’s a risk of Bella dying if she consummates her marriage well she is in her human state and attempts to attack Edward only to be held back by his own pack members and runs off to be emo again. I should point out that Bella is also aware of the risks of interspecies fornication but her raging teen hormones impair her ability to see logic. After all, he’s just so dreamy!
Such a dream boat -sigh-
Random wedding shots
It`s a nice day for a white wedding
Let them eat cake!
Parents and siblings bursting with pride
Here we go!
Mr. & Mrs. Massen-Cullen
I WANT 1!
Let’s get it on. Not on screen you pervs!
Bella! Not infront of the fans!
So, this is it, everything’s lead up to this. The fan girls are on edge squeaking with delighted anticipation, it wasn’t just me right? Their on a private island in the middle of fucking nowhere
Edward`s on a boat!
the moon’s high in the sky casting everything in a ghostly glow. Bella being a highly insecure individual has a slight panic attack the results in her collapsing to the ground in a rather over the top fashion that I found highly amusing even though it was supposed to be epic. Bella decides she being stupid, there’s a first
time for everything, and gussy’s up. For some reason the music people thought it appropriate to set her beauty routine to a rock song, apparently shaving your legs is hardcore. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the song it just didn’t fit.
That`s it, I`m not kidding
As for the love scene itself, we got nothin’. I’m not surprised it is PG 13 and because the author is a Mormon the book was the same. However, I think I speak for all older twilight fans when I say DAMNIT. I know some women who will be very disappointed. At any rate, whatever went down must have been CRAZY because the room looks like a tornado hit. Oh well, my first mom always says if something’s messy that means it was good. Granted, she was talking about food, but I think it applies here as well. Also, Bella is covered in bruises. Edward has the appropriate response to this and is horrified by her wounds. Bella on the other hand thinks they’re hot or something because she relives their cause in her mind as she discovers each one, which I’ll admit caused me to sigh longingly. Edward, being Mr. Buzz Kill, decides not to risk it a second time. This is short lived after a few days Bella cries and Edward’s will melts like butter. Yes, you read right, she cries and he decides her possible death is better than seeing her sad. That makes sense, wait…
What would a cheesy romance series be without a pregnancy? In this case a pregnancy that could kill you from the inside out, YAY! Edward is once again the voice of reason and thinks that because the mutant spawn will most likely kill her she should abort it. Bella is once again an idiot martyr and calls Edward’s baby crazy sister Rosalie and together they prolong Bella’s painful death. I understand that Meyer’s religion is probably against abortion but c’mon dude for all you know the thing could come out and go on a murderous rampage,
Do you want this on your hands?
not to mention the whole death thing. This entire blatant disregard for her own survival leads me to believe Bella has severe issues and should seek help. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Wait, the baby being evil would fuck with the cotton candy sweetness of the story, better add more cuteness. Turns out that if Edward places his hand on Bella’s tummy he can hear the baby’s thoughts and guess what? The baby LOVES Mommy and Daddy and is happy. Mawwww so cute I could barf. This makes Edward do a complete 180 and coo over the thing like any expectant dad which is soooo cute. I know death and gore are ahead, but, DUDE, awwwwwwwwwwwwww, just, awwww.
I mean... LOOK!
No shit Sherlock
Ok, trivia time! What would a vampire baby eat? If you said blood congrats! You are officially smarter than 2 men with MD’s. Seriously Edward and Dr. Cullen? Bella’s body is rejecting food and it NEVER occurs to you that it might be because the vampire- human mutant growing in her womb wants blood? It took a 16 year old dog boy telling you that in his thoughts for you to figure that one out? Um, DUH, are you stupid? No? Coulda fooled me.
Now, I use to think pickles and ice cream sounded nasty, but next to human blood it sounds nummylicious! Watching Bella go to town on a big cup of O positive made me skip my soda for a tad. To quote the 7 year old sitting next to us in the theatre “Eeew.”
The miracle of life is DISGUSTING!
I don’t care what anyone says, birth is gross. The fact that a woman’s body can do it is awesome but it’s SICK! There’s blood and screaming and pain and that’s just human
births. Mutant spawn coming into the world is 100x worse with popping spines and your vampire hubby using his fangs as scalpels causing him to be coated with your various fluids. I’m confused, we can see this grotesque birth but we can’t see Rpatts naked? Maybe they wanted to make us think twice about teenage pregnancy.
This is what happens missy!
Luckily because this is happy go lucky land nothing has negative repercussions and Bella survives thanks to Edward’s fang juice.
Do not fret Team Jacob your favourite puppy will find love in the form of Bella’s baby, yup from mother to daughter. Before you vomit let me explain Imprinting. Imprinting is described as having your will taken away do to an intense desire to please a woman. The attraction is not always sexual, at least at the start. Jake will at first be like a big brother to the infant, acting as a protector and playmate. As the child ages his role will gradually change from playmate to boyfriend and lover. It’s still creepy I mean, he made out with his future girlfriend’s mom! That poor girl’s going to need serious therapy.
The act of Imprinting was hilarious to watch. There was a cheesy montage of the baby aging complete with echoy voiceover and washed out colors which was shown just before Jacob drops to his knees in complete surrender. ALL HAIL THE SPARKLY SPAWN!
We may have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog
Holy bad acting and CGI Batman! I know I was supposed to look at the werewolves and see large, intimidating, graceful creatures but all I saw was laughable CGI and dialogue that belonged in an old Saturday morning super hero cartoon. DearTwilight movie team; Stop trying to be epic, you just look ridiculous! You’re dealing with puppies and sparkly Ken doll wannabes, not a bomb threat, CHILL! This was however the best part of the film just because of its epic fail in the drama department. I felt like it was mocking itself, but I don’t think the creators are witty enough to do that on purpose.
Oh no! CGI!
To sum up
If you’re looking for cinematic excellence skip this one. If however you want mindless girly wish fulfillment the Gods have answered your prayers.
– That Chick in the Chair